Barneveld Lutheran Church – We are called to be Christ's Light!

I didn’t see it.  None of us did.  Or maybe none of us wanted to see it.  But before I get to that part of the story, let me go back to the beginning.  As a little girl growing up the only thing Margie ever wanted to do was to be a mom.  She constantly played with her dolls pretending as if they were her own little children caring for them and tending to their needs.  She would pray to God that she could be a mom one day.  When Margie’s folks had more children she was thrilled beyond all belief at the prospect of taking care of real live babies!  She was ecstatic about being a sister which only fueled her desire to be a mom. 

Margie would date several guys through the years but finally met and fell in love with Fran.  He had grown up in the same town- they shared many of the same friends and hung out at the same places.  In fact Fran as a little boy played baseball with Margie’s two brothers.  Fran and Margie dated for many years and finally decided to get married in 1995.  It was a joyful occasion.  

I wish I would have known.  I could have done something.  Someone could have done something.  Why didn’t she say anything? No one deserves that.  No one.  I wonder how many others experience the same thing?

My sister Margie got her one true wish of being a mommy.  She gave birth to Colette in 1996.  Then came Claire in 1999.  Erica in 2001.  Nora in 2002.  Finally Grace in 2004.  Not one but 5 girls to fill her heart and plate of motherhood!  After Colette was born Margie and Fran would move to a bigger house to settle down and build their dream of family life and happily ever after.  But the happily ever after never came like she thought it would. 

Why didn’t I sense what was going on?  Was I blinded?  Was I in disbelief?  And what about others in my family?  Were they blind to it, too?  Was she blind to it?

At first it seemed innocent, harmless and believable.  Our family would gather for a birthday or some other holiday/celebration and Margie would come with the girls while Fran wouldn’t be with them.  “Where’s Fran,” I remember asking.  “Oh he’s home resting…he had a late night.”  Late night out with friends?  Late night doing working?  Late night not being able to sleep?  Well these instances of Fran being “out late” soon turned into a regular repeating performance.  We knew he liked to drink.  On family vacations at the lake he could put away several cold ones with the best of them.  I knew he liked his drink.  I didn’t realize he loved it…or better yet was addicted to it. 

Let me stop for a moment.  I suppose you think you know where this story is going.  Fran was a drinker and chose alcohol over his wife and family, right?  Well, you’re only partly right.  Not only was Fran a drinker, but over time and really after-the-fact did we come to find out he liked to smoke marijuana in the garage and get high.  So, he like booze and drugs.  And yet this still is not the end of the story.  Fran would abuse Margie and the girls.  And that is the part of the story still to this day that makes me cringe, hurt and cry.  My family didn’t see it.  I didn’t see it.  Partly I think because we couldn’t see it and also because Margie hid it from us while it was occurring. 

Margie loved her girls so much she ended up making excuses for Fran.  She covered for his late-night partying, his drinking, his smoking and yes even his abuse towards her and the girls.  In the beginning she’d call his bosses and cover for him at work.  “He was just having a bad day,” she would say.  “The girls got on his nerve so he raised his voice and threw things across the room.  Who doesn’t lose their cool,” she would slyly offer us. 

Did you know, on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States?  During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.  1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.  On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.  Intimate partner violence accounts for 15% of all violent crime.  And only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries.  1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence.  These statistics and numbers are sobering.  They make me cry.  I cry at the fact that Fran pushed Margie into walls, smashed the oven door, put holes in walls with his fists and at times did so in front of the girls.  I cry because he verbally abused the girls for no reason other for the fact that he could.  I cry because those girls saw something so horrendous in their own home and I know as much as we love and support them the after-effects of his abuse of them is deep in their bones and psyche.

Why does any of this matter? Intimate partner physical abuse is not bound by age, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion or nationality; it exists in ALL communities. Contrary to popular belief, physical abuse is not simply a maladjusted person’s occasional expression of frustration or anger, nor is it typically an isolated incident. Physical abuse is a tool of control and oppression and is a choice made by one person in a relationship to control another.  Statistics tell us that it happens right here in our own community among people we call neighbors and friends. 

Realizing this fact of life the women’s washroom here at BLC has information from Family Advocates, Inc. with a number for a 24 hour help line.  It is a sad reality for me as a pastor that on any given Sunday there are people at worship who have been abused- physically, verbally, sexually, or emotionally either in the past or as recently as that morning. 

Again, the stats are sobering…it’s happening all around us.  And when someone is abused at a young age experts tell us they have strong tendencies to physically or verbally abuse when they are older or experience some type of depression or suicidal thoughts.  Yet there is help.  There are ways to save yourself and your children.  If someone is abusing you, you might feel scared, hurt, sad, confused, angry, embarrassed, or hopeless.  Many people have feelings like these when they are being abused or after leaving an abusive relationship.  My sister had some of these feelings have we’ve come to understand in the years since it all happened.  Help is always available.  Talk with someone you trust or call your local domestic/sexual abuse hotline and talk with someone without having to give your name or location. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-799-7233.  Our local branch here in Wisconsin is also a resource.  The number us (608)-255-0539 and the website is endabusewi.org.  Sadly, most abusers track the moves of those under their control.  All of these websites have safety exits on them and will not show up in your internet browsing history. 

You may also want to consider a SAFETY PLAN for yourself or your family.  A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that includes ways to remain safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave. Safety planning involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action and more.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) does safety plans with victims, friends and family members — anyone who is concerned about their own safety or the safety of someone else.  A good safety plan will have all of the vital information you need and be tailored to your unique situation, and will help walk you through different scenarios.  Although some of the things that you outline in your safety plan may seem obvious, it’s important to remember that in moments of crisis your brain doesn’t function the same way as when you are calm. When adrenaline is pumping through your veins it can be hard to think clearly or make logical decisions about your safety. Having a safety plan laid out in advance can help you to protect yourself in those stressful moments.

Violence can escalate when someone tries to leave.  The following are some tips to keep in mind before you leave a violent abusive situation:

I share this information with you because NO ONE should ever ever ever experience abuse of any kind. 

Margie and her five precious jewels! Pictured are: (from left to right) Erica, Margie, Nora, Colette, Claire and Grace

To her credit, Margie has never spoken ill of Fran in front of her girls.  For me, that’s my sister living out what we call grace upon grace upon grace.  She survived.  Many don’t.  You can survive.  Maybe you’re not the one in an abusive situation but you might know someone who may be.  BELIEVE their story.  LISTEN to them.  HELP them.  Let’s be lifelines to those around us who may be sending SOS signals our way. 

There are so many resources available to those who may find themselves in abusive situations.  One I highly encourage is www.thehotline.org/.  Maybe we just need to better educate ourselves on the reality of what is happening…and what could be happening right in our own community, neighborhood, family or home.  Maybe we can help be resources to others who might be too frightened or ashamed to ask for help.  Let’s be a light for them.  God hurts when we hurt each other. 

I love my beautiful sister Margie and my five incredible nieces.  They have seen, heard, felt and experienced things no one should ever have to in this world.  Luckily for them the sun has risen and they have forged ahead as best they can.  For all the Margie’s, Colette’s, Claire’s, Erica’s, Nora’s and Grace’s out there, please let’s be the voice for those victims and survivors.  Let’s create a culture where domestic violence is not tolerated and where society empowers victims and survivors, and holds abusers accountable.  Let’s be Christ’s Light in this world.  Amen.